THE GIANT WESTMINSTER TORY ACCELERATOR
The mysterious Clegg boson particle, the one that scientists think may be responsible for keeping the Tories alive, was detected in Westminster today. It bears a little understood relationship to the Cable particle, which was once thought to have certain characteristic principles. This hypothesis is now believed to be in doubt. Scientist are now looking at the older Ashdown particle to see if this offers any new insights. The Kennedy particle, a pale red shadow of its former self, can be found on media chat show studio sofas all over Britain, but it is no longer believed to have any momentum or significance, and accelerating it has proved an intractable problem.
Research into deliberate urine retention, as practised by the Prime Minister, David Cameron to sustain concentration in important meetings has now shown that the practice actually increases the possibility of serious mistakes of judgement, and induces a craven submission to expediency in the face of vociferous minorities. This may go some way to explaining recent unfortunate events in Europe. Being bitten by a British Bulldog while practising urine retention will produce completely foreseeable, unpleasant and damaging consequences.
THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IN MEDIA-SPEAK
Media journalists and presenters may be professional communicators but are frequently deficient in their grasp of English.
They may be paid to choose their words imaginatively and carefully but they are locked into tired, repetitive phraseology.
They may be political reporters and commentators but they are as cliché-ridden as sports journalists.
They may have the infinite richness of English grammar, syntax and vocabulary from which to craft their introductions but are reduced to constant tedious use of the may be – but formulation.
I may be a “grumpy old git with a blog” – a recent and accurate description of me on Twitter – but I could avoid the repetitive and usually inaccurate use of may be –but quite easily if I had to write a few paragraphs on The English Language in media-speak …
Wait a bloody minute – has the verbal plague begun to affect me to?